Mope Opera

I’m tired of soap operas.  I’ll just come out and say it, straight-up.  Occasionally my boredom permits me to subject myself to these pasty séances.  The storylines are starting to run into each other.  In order to keep myself from engaging in self-surgery while watching them, I entertain myself by spicing up the situations on the screen by verbally haranguing the TV characters.  I know they can hear me.  I just know it.

So, as a modest proposal, I’ve decided to create some more entertaining versions of the current sop-operas.

“The Timid and the Ugly”:

A fresh alternative to the “Bold and the Beautiful.”  We watch timid, unattractive people walked on in day-to-day situations by audacious, attractive people.  At the end of every episode, the ugly-folk band together to confront their harassers, but are too afraid to solve anything.  Featuring compromising situations, such as uneasy sex between unattractive people.

“Old and the Napping”

A revamped version of “Young and the Restless.”  This is a reality show of sorts, with real footage of everyday life in your average American nursing home.  Lies, backstabbing, even petty crime can be seen committed by people who are watching your garden-variety soap operas in the first place.  Not to give away too much towards the end-of-the-season episode, but it involves hanky-panky with prescription drugs that rhyme with “Ciagra,” “Lialis,” and “Vevitra.”

“As the Fat Lady Sings”:

An infinitely-better doppelganger to  “As the World Turns.”  Watch people grapple with seemingly hopeless vignettes, and learn about their true character.  This one is fun for the whole family, as the most inspirational characters survive but are cut off when trying to deliver a preachy, long-winded diatribe of false virtue.  Rated PG for some disaster scenarios and/or awkward sexual situations.

And that’s all so far.  I would think up more, but I don’t want to give away all my brilliant ideas just yet (at least not for this cheap.)