The Failure That Is Congress

Since this is our 100th post, I’ve decided to make it extra-special.  No, I’m not giving out free Pontiac G6s to the first 100 readers, and, no, a celebrity is not going to start typing away after I finish this paragraph.  However, I have come up with a plan, a vision of sorts.  I think I know exactly how to deal with our mess of a Congress.  

To most of those with a pulse residing in this great land of ours, we have an election coming up in November.  And as we deftly try to decide between the two forms of suicide that are McCain and Obama, we have neglected to notice that there is also a Congressional election.  Now, unfortunately, not all members of Congress are up for reelection, otherwise, we could absolutely go to town.  However, we can make do with what we have now.  I assume that most diligent Americans will scan over their ballot on the 4th of November, bubble (hopefully not punch) in either McCain or Obama, glance over the session devoted to voting for Representative and/or Senator, happily bubble in the incumbent’s name, and go along their merry way.  This is not a smart choice.  Now, I know that we all have busy schedules and whatnot, but would it really be all that difficult to spend an hour or so to investigate into the spending habits of your Congressman?  You see, most Congressmen are like children, and, like children, they need to be watched.  While we have been concentrating on our own lives and own children, our little Congressmen have been scamping merrily away in the playground known as Washington, handily sneaking bits and pieces of appropriations into innocuous bills like candy hidden in a not-often-looked kitchen cabinet.  The projects that result from these deft little motions are known as pork.  Now, this may seem innocent enough, but we have reinforced this behavior by reelecting our adorable little Congressman November after November.  Naturally, we would become outraged if our own children spent vast sums of money on idiotic doohickeys, yet we have blissfully ignored the spending habits of our devilish little Congressmen.  

Now that we have identified a problem that has soared into the billions of taxpayer dollars, we can chart out a solution.  Come November, every Congressman that has spent your taxpayer dollars for idiotic gardens and museums that can be perfectly supplanted by private funding deserves a swift kick in the rear and a two-to-six year time-out.  It’s dead simple.  Before November, let your Congressman know (via letter, phone, email, fax, ESP, a really loud voice) that you have had it with their spending habits and would like them to spend your money more prudently.  If they try to backtrack or scoff, then those are the signs of a wayward Congressman.  Preferably try to contact the challenger to your incumbent and ask him to sign a pledge stating that while he is in office, he will not spend a penny of your money on pork-barrel projects or otherwise live decadently off your dime.  Vote for him (or her) in November instead of your Congressman, and, if enough people do so, then your Congressman can sulk home, mumbling “it’s not fair” while they try to readjust to civilian life.  Once your Congressman has arrived home, greet them with a steaming plate of crispy bacon, a copy of the single “Viva la Vida,” and a print of Delacroix’s Liberty Leading the People.  And then ask them to sit in their time-out for at least another two years, and to not come out until they have memorized every brushstroke comprising Liberty’s fallen tunic.  And if they whimper or complain, remind them that they should hit their knees and thank the Lord that the guillotine is no longer in use.


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